


Just enough

by eranoa



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: Anxiety, Caretaking, Developing Friendships, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:27:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22361836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eranoa/pseuds/eranoa
Summary: Holden Ford's mental health has been degrading for weeks now. Bill doesn't know how to address the issue so he simply tries to ignore it. But that only works until Holden breaks down in front of him.
Relationships: Holden Ford & Bill Tench
Comments: 3
Kudos: 89





	Just enough

Bill was absolutely worn out. 

They had been on the road all day, the sun was low in the sky and Holden wouldn't stop yawning every mile. Bill had to admit that if they didn't stop the car soon he would certainly fall asleep. Which is why he decided that they would park at the next motel he would see.   
The highway had been looking the exact same for the last hour and he couldn't even tell how far away they were from their next class, but safety comes first and he wasn't going to drive in his state. He surely wasn't going to give the wheel to the kid either given how knackered he looked. 

Bill turned his head to the side seat to catch a glimpse of Holden's face. 

He hadn't been feeling well lately, neither has he been sleeping much. A burning feeling twisted his gut : he's been thinking about the kid's health a whole lot for the last month. His face has been getting slimmer and he got dark circles that didn't seem to fade, even when they were back home. Maybe he should ask Holden if something's wrong... but he already knows something isn't right. He isn't sure that he wants to know what. It's already complicated at home for him, he has a lot of stuff on his plate and Holden looking that bad has been making him anxious at work too. 

When the flashing neon of a hotel appears on the side of the highway Bill sighs and turns. Finally parked on the near-empty parking lot, he allows himself to close his eyes for a second. The place is so silent he could probably fall asleep like that.   
Except that car drives aren't usually that silent... Bill opens his eyes with a grunt and turns to look to the man next to him again. Holden is already asleep, brows furrowed and arms crossed. When even is the last time he saw Holden relaxed? The kid has been biting his nails and looking devastated for weeks now. It's always for a short time but he's still undeniably in a bad place. The gut feeling starts again when Bill realizes he probably isn't taking care of Holden like he should. He chases the feeling away and gathers the energy to speak . 

"Holden, wake up." 

The exclamation is enough for Holden to jump, eyes wide open, looking at him like a dear in the headlights. Bill can't suppress the surprise on his face. 

"Everything's good?" 

Holden immediately calms down, breathing deeply and turning his head to the window while trying to regain his composure. 

"M'fine, bad dream" he mumbles "are you too tired to drive? I can if you want, I rested more than you."

Bill cuts the contact and reaches for the keys. 

" We're both tired, we should spend the night here and we'll go back on the road first hour tomorrow." 

Holden nods. Eyes wondering through the windshield, he takes his seat belt off. The motel looks pretty miserable but he's so tired, it doesn't really matter. He gets out of the car when Bill does and follows him inside of the building.

Holden spaces out staring at the keys behind a very young ginger man Bill is talking with. They have different colors but the link between the numbers of the rooms and the colors doesn't make sense, neither does putting colors on keys in a random way. The employee laughs at something Bill says. Holden tries to focus on their conversation but soon enough Bill indicated him to follow down the hallway. They make their way into a very dodgy elevator, the mechanical noises coming from the old machine seem deafening in the dead silence of the motel.   
Silence makes him extremely uncomfortable, so despite his exhaustion Holden starts to rant about a case waiting for them at the Bureau. He doesn't really want to, but the need to fill in the quietness is too strong, so he quickly finds himself rattling. 

"...five victims in a six months, we should probably look more deeply into this. I know you think they're not linked but Wendy agrees with me and I've been thinking a lot about the sexual gratification one could get from those killings and what ties the victims together... "

His speech appears to wake him up a bit and Holden start getting more animated, speaking with his hands in an attempt to make his colleague more invested in his tirade. Bill cuts him off, slightly annoyed but mostly because he's barely listening ; the door to the room is soon opened and he throws himself on the closest bed with a relieved grunt.

" Holden we'll chat about the case in the morning if you want but right now I just want to get a bit of shut eye." he paused for a moment before adding "And I think you need to rest too."

Holden sits himself on the other bed and starts to space out again. Images of the case keep appearing before his eyes, gruesome pictures from the crime scenes he remembers as if he was there. 

"... on ?" 

He hears Bill next to him but doesn't find the strength to listen. 

"Holden! You're still there? " 

His heard turns mechanicaly to the man on the other bed. 

"You're going to sleep with your clothes on?" 

Behind the amused tone, there is obvioud concern and Holden can't help it but feel ashamed. 

He knows how bad he looks, he hasn't managed to get an actual night of sleep in weeks and the Valium doesn't do anything anymore. He's constantly shaking and it's like his body is giving up on him. Not hungry anymore, he constantly wants to vomit, he's dizzy and the light are always too bright. The therapist said his anxiety was getting worse and he needed to rest but how could he? He's working his ass off 24/7 when he's on the road. And at home, he can't stop thinking about cases, reading interviews they did before, when he was still working correctly but he can't concentrate properly. Holden has seen how disappointed and bothered Bill looks, Wendy is also starting to wonder what's happening to him. He can't risk being sent on a week of "rest time", they need to work on their project, there are life at stake, he can't afford to be even more of a disappointment. He started this, he can't let everyone down. 

So he gives Bill is best grin and tries to answer but he's suddenly feeling it. The crushing weight of stress : looking at his colleague is suddenly reminding him of all the times he messed things up for them. And even after that, Bill still seems to worry about his state. It doesn't make any sense. He could feel that Bill already had stuff going on at home, and he's making him even more upset by being obnoxious. How pathetic, how much of a disgusting attention seeking bitch does he have to be to manipulate someone like that? His stomach is burning and there's a raw feeling in his throat. He knows he's panicking. He can't panic in front of Bill. Not here. Not now. No. No. No. 

Without thinking he clasps his thighs and pinches them as hard as he can. 

His heart beat gets more irregular, he feels like the muscle is going to burst through his stomach. 

Holden starts hyperventilating and gets up on shaking legs to reach the bathroom. He can go there, he can break down there it'll be fine. He does it at work, people don't notice. If only he could reach the bathroom before Bill could say anything. 

Suddenly Bill his up in front of him, grabs his arm and forces him to sit on the bed. Holden can't stop the tears flowing from his wide opened eyes. He can hear himself beg Bill to let him go into the bathroom. Bill seems so confused and it's only making it worse. He can't stop it, he can't breathe anymore, everything is too much. The grip of his colleague's hand burns through his skin and he wants to bite it off. Bill is talking but he doesn't listen, he doesn't hear anything, his body is shutting down. 

He's going to die.   
It's certain he's going to die here. 

Without any warning, a cold blow on his cheek pulls him back into reality. Holden can see the horrified look on Bill's face when he realize what he did but he doesn't process it. Holden's breath is slowing as he focuses on the lasting static in his face. The slap was probably harder than anticipated, but in the panic Bill couldn't think of anything else. His voice is unsure when he asks :

"What the fuck was that Holden." 

The younger man doesn't answer, Holden recalls what his therapist advised : focus on your breathing stabilizing, at all cost. It's the only way you can ground yourself.   
He brings his hand up to his face were Bill just slapped him and appreciates the coldness of it. 

Once his throat doesn't feel like he's about to suffocate anymore, Holden coughs and looks at Bill. 

"I'm sorry, this won't happen again, I usually control myself better than that. I didn't want to worry you Bill." he mumbles with a shaking voice while his fingers try to get his tie loose. 

The older man doesn't know what seems more ridiculous, the kid apologizing or the fact that it happened before and he never saw anything. The gut wrenching feeling that has haunted him all week turns into a sudden burst of anger. They could have talked, Holden could have said he wasn't going well instead of keeping it to himself and letting his state worsen. Bill knows deep down that his anger is wrongly directed on Holden, but his mind is foggy with tiredness and he's not sure he's thinking straight anymore. 

"Shut the fuck up Holden" he doesn't know where this is going but he can't stop himself. "You have a problem, and you are going to talk about it because I've been worrying for weeks and I won't leave you alone before you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you."

His voice keeps raising, Bill doesn't remember even scolding his son like that. He knows he doesn't have the right to talk to him this way but he doesn't stop. 

"You barely touch your plate when we eat out, I hear you turning in your bed all night, I- no EVERYONE sees how shitty you look. I can't keep working with you if you're not at full capacity Holden. You're an adult, if you're not in the right headspace to work correctly, go home."

Holden turns his head to the side and tries to keep his throat from clenching.

"It's worse at home."

Caught up in his speech, Bill doesn't catch what Holden says. But when he glances at his face and sees tears rolling down again he tries to calm down. This is not a productive behavior, he needs to stop acting like Holden isn't a fully grown man able to have a conversation ; conversation they won't have if he keeps screaming. Bill takes his head in his palms. His colleague deserves to be treated with more respect than that, lack of sleep is making him act insane. Yet, he can't get himself to apologize, so he turns his body in Holdens direction and tries to lower his voice. 

"What did you say?"

Holden is fidgeting, playing with his fingers, looking at absolutely everything other than Bill.

"I said, it gets worse at home." he also turns his body slightly to face the older man, which Bill takes a reassuring sign. "I never minded being alone before and now, for no reason, I can't stand it. I feel empty and overwhelmed, I can't focus on anything. Bill, I can't work! I can't do anything there. I panic all the time, it never stops. My therapist isn't helping, the pills aren't helping. I'm fucked Bill. That's the last thing I have, I can't go home. I can't. I won't. Fuck Bill, I'll off myself if I'm sent home."

Bill doesn't react, to some extent he knew this would happen. But he still can't believe he didn't act right away when he saw the kid looked blue. He let that happen. Holden keeps going, trying to find the right words to explain. 

" You can't tell Wendy, or anyone, I'll find other pills or something but I need this work. It's keeping me busy, that's all I'm asking for, I'll do anything." 

He starts shaking again, slightly, fingers trembling on his legs. Bill slowly reaches for his elbow and puts there the conforting weight of his hand. 

When his wife is stressed or in a bad mood, that's what he does. He shuts up and tries to be a conforting presence. He feels miserable for screaming at the kid in the way he did, but what's done is done. If he talks again, Bill fears he'll only make things worse. 

They stay a moment in a soothing silence ; only broken by the younger man sniffing from time to time and the crumpling of his suit whenever he rubs his eyes. 

Bill stands up and goes to the bathroom, when he comes back a few seconds later it's with a plastic glass full of water. Surprised by the gesture, Holden accepts it with a weak smile and takes a sip. 

When he saw his colleague stand up, he was convinced Bill would leave. He was too much to handle, it would be understandable to flee, he would even encourage it. Still, Bill stayed and is even trying to make him feel better. He probably shouldn't overthink, it's important to keep calm after the attack or it'll start again. That's the last thing he'd want. 

Yet a very small, deeply buried part of him wants to stay vulnerable. Witnessing Bill worrying about him like that made him ashamed but in some twisted way, he enjoyed the attention. He couldn't lie and say that someone actually taking care of him wasn't a nice feeling, even if it's simply a glass of water. Holden would like to hit himself for even thinking that, but it's true. And when Bill helps him take his tie off, he doesn't make any snarky comment. 

Bill can't stop comparing Holden with a child. He's what? Less than twenty years younger? That's enough to feel like it's his role to take care of him. He wouldn't let Brian alone when he was in such a bad place, yet he really wants to go out for a smoke, maybe a drink too. God knows he'd need it... 

But his colleague needs him, in a weird way he's his responsibility and he wants to be there to help. Now that he knows how bad the situation is, he won't let Holden fall deeper into his mind. And if that means earning his trust enough for the kid to come to him when he starts to panic, well he can manage that. 

Holden wants to get better, but he can't do that alone. He tried, it failed. So maybe opening a bit and sharing what worries him with someone could have better results. 

They don't say anything. Bill opens the window to let some fresh air in, then sits back on his bed. The lack of sleep is catching up on them both and they don't have the strength to begin another heartfelt conversation. So when Holden whispers a soft "thank you Bill", the other man just nods. 

Holden gets rid of most of his clothes and gets under the covers, he hears Bill do the same. Before turning the lights off, the kid hears him murmur "If something is wrong next time, tell me and we'll talk about it".   
With a serene and satisfied feeling in his chest, Holden turns to face the window. 

It's surely not a miracle solution, but right now, it's just enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
